1. Sciencey people are dicks
2. If magic is true,
my ear is a fertile stash of quarters, which only my
fun uncle can get out.
3. Wizards have cool
hats
4. Science Johnson is a stupid name for a
Basketball player
5. Science can’t animate suits
of armor to fight the Nazis
6. Science can’t cure
Herpes
7. Science can’t bring my pet turtle back
to life
8. Nobody ever uses science to kill a
dragon
9. As per the last two entries, magic is
generally better at dealing with reptiles
10. David
Copperfield gets laid way more than Jonas Salk. And
with like, hotter bitches. No contest. ... Read More
I feel like Trix commercials are a metaphor for my
dating life. That poor rabbit just wants to get
laid… err, no, I mean... he wants to get some cereal.
But every time he gets close those spoiled brats who
get Trix every day of their goddamn lives show up and
yank the spoon out of his hand so that they can gorge
themselves yet again. What little pricks. Let the
rabbit have some fucking cereal once in a while. He’s
going to go crazy if he doesn’t get laid… I mean…
breakfast.... Read More
All this buzzing about cell phones causing cancer has
me worried. I can’t give up my phone, and I can’t
put a dorky Bluetooth in my ear, but I suppose I can
minimize my risk by using it less.
Therefore,
I’m forced to thin out my social network. The only
way I can think to do this is to start burning some
bridges. So to all my so called “friends” out
there…
I never liked you and I think
you’re poorly dressed and you smell like a day-old
egg salad sandwich, forgotten under the back seat of my
car which, by the way is much nicer than that pile of
rusty bolts duct-taped together that you call a car.
The things that you like are lame and the things you
hate are actually just way cooler than you could
possibly understand. When you die, I’ll feel about as
bad as I did this morning when I saw a pack of Taco
Bell hot sauce on the sidewalk that somebody had
stepped on and I thought, “Man, what a waste.” You,
sir or madam, are a waste of cosmic sauce and no... Read More
So Jack Kevorkian is dead. I wonder if he will fight
the system up in Heaven to and work to bring dead
people back to life. This is how zombie problems get
started.... Read More